The Sunday Post: Letting Go of Shame

I recently saw a video that talked about: the only way to move forward from the things that cause you shame is to expose it, learn what you can from it, and let it go.

In that spirit, I'd like to state some of my more persistent shames. I want to call them out, learn what I can from that shame, and try and let it go.

Yelling at LLMs

I carry a LOT of shame for yelling at AI. But I just realized something: This is exactly how I learn to operate a new tool. When I first started editing in Neovim, I yelled at my keyboard, too. (I still do. I STILL suck at VIM motions. It's another source of shame)

But my inability to control my temper, letting myself waste tokens inventing new curse words to try and piss off the AI in the way it has pissed me off. Leading me back to remember that an LLM is like a Plinko(R) machine: it depends on the connections it makes along the way to whatever answer it gets. You can control it to some extent with good context and clear, specific instructions. That's all part of learning to use any tool. AI is just the newest productivity tool and whenever you're learning a new tool, it's gonna piss you off. Even more so if you've been doing this for a while.

Being a Better Prepared Adult

I'm ashamed that I'm not a better-prepared adult. It's not my parents' fault. They tried to teach me some of these things, but I didn't listen. Not better prepared for the financial side of being an adult, the regular maintenance of being an adult (regular Dr./Dentist visits, Home maintenance, personal maintenance).

Every time someone finds out that I only go to the doctor when something is wrong, they look at me like I am failing at life. When the maintenance guy says, "You're supposed to change these every six months." I feel like a freshman adult. In my fifties.

My weight and my inability to ...JUST. FUCKING. DO IT. Just exercise (see personal maintenance). Just eat right. Just do what you're supposed to do. So much exercise a day, so many calories a day, take care of your body. Why is that so fucking hard for me?

I Should be a Better Programmer

I should have dug deeper when I was younger and had the stamina. The problem is, I never had the attention span. I love to learn, the problem is that there's always something new to learn in tech.

Part of the problem is, I copped out and got a CIS degree. Which is basically a business degree with a programming, networking and database class each semester. I'm not belittling my degree. I learned a lot about business, and even more about working hard by finishing my degree as an adult. But I didn't get the basics. The stuff that you learn when you get a hard CS degree. Memory management, data structures and algorithms. The boring stuff that builds a foundation of knowledge that makes learning everything else easier.

For instance: have you ever met someone who was old enough to have been forced to learn Latin in high school? Do you notice how much easier they pick up other languages? It's the base of a bunch of different languages. Learning how computer languages are built would have given me a solid foundation, and require less mental effort to learn new languages and understand how a particular code structure changes the performance of a program.

Letting MY Discomfort Become Others Discomfort

Mostly I'm ashamed of every time I let my own personal shit make me say or do something or act in an irritated way at someone else. It was my own personal shit and they didn't deserve to have me yell at them, or be short with them, or even have to have my private struggles throw clouds on a good day they might have been having.

If you are reading this and you are one of those people, I am truly sorry.

Learning What I Can From Them

I know I need to learn to manage my frustration better. It's easier with people, because they're ...people. I should say, it's easier to lose it with an LLM, because it's NOT human. That should be my reason why I shouldn't lose my temper. It presents its findings in such a 'human' way, it can be easy to forget it's not a person in a chat window. You're only wasting tokens yelling at the LLM or trying to insult it.

I DO need to be more mindful of my health. Particularly as I get older. I need to be more proactive about maintenance ...of me and my belongings.

That includes my weight. I should just aim for a healthy lifestyle and let my weight do whatever it's gonna do.

There's a million ways to fill in some gaps in my engineering knowledge. Pick some. Watch YouTube videos. Take an online course. Take a real course. If you want that knowledge, go fucking get it.

Letting It All Go (Or Trying)

In an attempt to not let that shame have any power over my life, I want to give myself a good reason to let it go.

Don't let that LLM Anger Management(tm) shame ruin your life. Go ahead, let that stupid LLM have it. Let it out. Make some intern reviewing your messages at the AI company think about calling someone, without being sure who exactly to call. Just be careful not to let it color your interactions with real people.

Don't let your lack of "Adult" keep you from realizing the amazing life and career you did build. You've got great friends and a good career. Don't beat yourself up about your body or your coding abilities.

Don't carry those things you said when you were tired, stressed, or hungry. People DO that, sometimes. Say things they regret later. Own up to it. Try not to do it anymore. Apologize for that stuff and let it go.

Don't wear that albatross weight any longer. I know you will; but try to set it down from time to time, okay dude?