Am I Building a Dream? Or Avoiding a Job?

Throughout my life, I've had lots of female friends. We'd talk about their boyfriends, my girlfriends, etc. One of the most common archetypes of guy that women date is "The Freeloader". The guy who never has a job, never cleans the house, doesn't do very much in the way of taking care of the kids.

I'm not talking about couples who decided that he was going to stay home and take care of the house. I'm talking about the guys who have little schemes for making money. The uncles that always hit you up to invest in their latest "business". The ones that your parents use to threaten you with, when your grades drop. "Get your grades up, or you'll end up like Uncle Joe!"

I may be ending up like Uncle Joe.

What makes you say that?

I knew late last year (2024) that I wanted to step away from tech for awhile and see what I might want to do for work. I assumed it would still be in tech. I still love programming, I just can't stand the corporate greed in the larger companies. The pursuit of more money has never been of much interest to me, but it seems the focus these days is money. That feeling was really getting me down.

So I decided to save up six months worth of bills in savings, quit my job, and take my time to find an organization or an industry that I could connect with. Maybe one that gave me back that feeling of excitement I used to get from programming.

How did THAT go?

I gotta admit, I fucked off those first two months. At first, I was applying to jobs, and even had one interview. Mostly, it was a deluge of rejection emails... at least from the ones who responded. Even those were automated. I slowed in my applications.

Then I got an email about an old start up I used to work for that had gone out of business. The 401K would need to be rolled to another retirement account by x date, or they were going to cash it out, withhold taxes, and send me a check. I thought, why not just cash it out? I talked to my tax dude, and gave him the numbers and decided I could float the rest of the year on that.

In the meantime, I could try to make this "working retirement" thing work. SO I gave myself the summer to make it make sense. Figure out some way in which the things that I love doing, can cobble together enough money to cover my bills.

That sounds like a fine plan. What's the problem?

Most of the things I've been trying are more slow burn money makers. Unless I get some real work that makes real money, it leaves me feeling like Uncle Joe, just hoping his ship will come in. The way I was raised, it was looked at a bit like a gambling habit. It feels like that.

I feel like Uncle Joe. The guys who wanted a second mother, not a partner. Even though I do help around the house. I'm single, but with a roommate. I pull my weight at home, but I haven't brought any new money in since March (five months), and the pressure is building. Not full-blown panic, just an uncomfortable smiling laugh that says, "Okay... that was some fun time off... time to get a 'real job' now, right? Right?!?"

I don't know if it's just my personality, or what society expects of men. To be providers. To be useful. Maybe I'm just feeling like I am shurking that responsibility. Not sure to whom, but...

So what's the plan? Get a "Real Job"?

I may have to. It's not that bad. As long as I stay away from the large corporate money machines, I should be okay. I just need to get a job working in a small company with a focus on the product or service, not so much the money. I've still got a few months left to "float", and dedicate myself to laying the foundation of the "working retirement", with the YouTube channel, some books, and some freelance developer work.

I'm just not so sure I can get developer work anymore. My skills are only mediocre, and my age is a big deal (even if they say it isn't). I may not have a choice but to try and make this "working retirement" thing happen.

What about you, dear reader?

Should I be ashamed? Proud? Shut the hell up and do something already? Am I Uncle Joe, or am I just have a moment of crisis and doubt? I ain't broke yet, but I'm emotionally pre-declined. I might be building something here, or I might just be avoiding responsibility. The line between vision and avoidance gets real blurry around 3am.